Why U No Make Videos?

Hello my Lovely!

Thanks for coming over to trollsneedhugs.com!

I have not been making videos recently because I feel stuck. Well, I have actually made dozens of videos, you just haven’t seen them. I have so many ideas, but then I second guess myself. I convince myself that the videography needs to be of a higher standard, or I need to make more “sharable” content. I tell myself I need to aim for higher view counts. Then I tell myself I don’t need to worry. Then I tell myself I do need to worry, I’m broke and over 6,000 people are watching. I think about helping people by sharing my experiences, then about the endless judgement of strangers. Most people don’t make life choices in public. I think about what being transgender means to me, while at the same time thinking that dozens of people want to hear those thoughts. I don’t share them because I know my terminology will be slightly wrong somehow and offend people. I feel rushed to make clear-cut choices and decisions. I feel pressured to have all the answers. Just because I makes vlogs, doesn’t make me any more “knowing”, yet I feel pressured to give you “the right answers”, as if there were such a thing. Then I make no videos. I have ideas for videos including cooking, dogs, comedy, music and more. I get stuck, and can’t decide what to do. Instead, I go outside and do gardening, continue decorating the house, exercise with the dogs… but mostly, I procrastinate/learn on the internet. Reddit is a blessing and a curse. YouTube as well. I have seen so many documentaries, and absorbed so much data now. You would think I’d feel smarter, but I feel I know less than ever before. “Knowing” seems like ignorant over-confidence to me now.

Every argument, perspective and theory has a potentially valid opposite. Veganism is the most obvious example in my case. There is so much data suggesting that it is healthy, even healthier than diets with meat. Yet, it seems that data is flawed in it’s methodology. I believe the studies that suggest meat is unhealthy, are not controlling for enough dietary variables. People who are vegan most often eliminate other “unhealthy” foods from their diet. The people who eat meat are easy to find, so the other foods in their diet, and the quality of the meat consumed, are not controlled for. I now eat only fresh cuts of meat, mostly rare grass-fed beef steak, and feel great. Retrospectively, I see that I felt “poisoned” by eating all my life. It’s not easy to explain, but it is easy to experience. When I ate anything, I always felt slightly sick. Everything I ate made me feel this way in varying degrees, so I assumed that it was just how eating felt. However, when I ate steak, I got no sick feelings. This was an amazing comparison. So after months of being on my own strict Paleo diet of only meat and fruit with the occasional veggie, I started testing out old foods. They make me feel sick, all of them. Even fruits and veggies make me feel ill to a degree. Feeling sick with eating is so deeply ingrained, that I’ve learned to avoid eating for as long as possible, because those fasting periods were when I felt most well. I ate because I didn’t want to be anorexic, not because I was hungry. I still struggle to convince myself to eat, because it’s hard to believe it won’t make me feel sick.

So here I am, it’s 1:34pm, and I am yet to eat steak. I should, but I haven’t. I have had a banana, avocado and cocoa smoothy. It’s the best thing ever, and I want to make a video… aaaaaaand we are back to the start of this message.

I hope you enjoy the new video coming in a few hours.



5 thoughts on “Why U No Make Videos?

  1. I’m so happy for you virtual hug 😉 that is so awesome that you are transgender. I myself am transgender mtf and I was getting into corseting and had watched your videos and saw the one where you said you are trans. I was so excited that you had such great experiences with telling people and your doctor. The world really isn’t too scary and there are lots of wonderful people out there. Hope the best for you and your transition.

  2. I watch many of your videos as I too love gardening. And while I can’t relate to being transgender, I can certainly relate to feeling stuck. Sort of like a deer in headlights. Unsure of what to do or say next. My (unsolicited) advice is to stop thinking that you need to have all the answers. Life is a process. I think it’s really amazing you have been so open with your viewers. And if it’s a subject you want to touch on, perhaps stop thinking you need to make a grand stand on an end result. After all, it seems this is something you are just beginning. Instead, touch on what is happening that day. Are you nervous or excited or frustrated? Share that. I can’t imagine anyone expects you to have all the secrets to life. I personally read blogs that are genuine. They are on all topics and written by all personalities. As long as I feel the author is sincere, that’s all that matters to me. Really, at the end of the day, we all just want to feel a connection. Sincerity nearly always accomplishes that goal.

    Good luck on your journey. And make more videos! Or don’t. But do it or don’t do it because it makes your heart smile. People are always going to disagree with you. But if you are confident in what you say and share, you can sleep well at night. (But if you are going to make more videos…I totally request more gardening vids. I can’t get over how huge your property is. I swoon over all of your fruit trees!)

    KK @ Preppy Pink Crocodile

  3. Harley! I have only just started watching your videos the past few days, I got onto them through Lucy corsetry, & I love your personality! But where did you go!? I have had horrible anxiety & other things along those lines my whole life, but watching your permaculture videos make me so relaxed & make me forget about the anxiety and everything for a while, so thankyou ❤ I'm not sure you'll read this, but you looked & sounded so happy in your last few videos, & I feel a giant loss now that you're not making them anymore! I really hope you're happy wherever you are in life now, you inspire me to garden, go with the flow & just be myself. Hugs xx

  4. I must have watched at least 70 of your videos the last couple days and i must say Harley, you have a gift! Most of my life i have been lost not knowing my purpose. I have also been touched by illness as i have been struggling with Chiari maleformation, multiple concussion syndrome, fibromyalgia, and moderate nerve damage in my legs and im sure my doctors will find more in my up coming appointments. I used to live a pretty ”normal” life untill 2 years ago i starting getting overwhelmed with my symptoms i could no longer continue my job and experienced behavoral changes that caused me to act in ways that werent myself. I lost friends, lost many possessions i worked hard for. I was very depressed, stuck, and like there was no hope i hadn’t eaten in days, then, just as i hit rock bottom a miracle happened. There growing right by my house was the cutest little plant with a beautiful white flower and feathery leaves. I never saw a plant like this before so i was curious to identify it. Yarrow was her name and she started what now over 2 years later has become my passion of discovering nature and all the beauty she has to offer. Sorry i often ramble Hehe Like i said in the beginning you have a gift your vidieos are funny, cheerful, informative and very creative and having watched them i left with a warm inspired feeling and will no longer dwell on my symptoms and what they keep me from doing i will just do what i can when i can! Tku Harley Love and Hugs for u! I hope to see new vids soon but will wait as long as needed since taking care of yourself is most important. Also don’t worry about making ”perfect” videos since as an art form there is no right or wrong way to make one just follow your heart. Your a beautiful person and an inspiration to many im sure you have been someones’ ”Yarrow”! Take care, bless you, and best wishes in all you do!

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