Hello my Lovely!
Thanks for coming over to trollsneedhugs.com!
I have not been making videos recently because I feel stuck. Well, I have actually made dozens of videos, you just haven’t seen them. I have so many ideas, but then I second guess myself. I convince myself that the videography needs to be of a higher standard, or I need to make more “sharable” content. I tell myself I need to aim for higher view counts. Then I tell myself I don’t need to worry. Then I tell myself I do need to worry, I’m broke and over 6,000 people are watching. I think about helping people by sharing my experiences, then about the endless judgement of strangers. Most people don’t make life choices in public. I think about what being transgender means to me, while at the same time thinking that dozens of people want to hear those thoughts. I don’t share them because I know my terminology will be slightly wrong somehow and offend people. I feel rushed to make clear-cut choices and decisions. I feel pressured to have all the answers. Just because I makes vlogs, doesn’t make me any more “knowing”, yet I feel pressured to give you “the right answers”, as if there were such a thing. Then I make no videos. I have ideas for videos including cooking, dogs, comedy, music and more. I get stuck, and can’t decide what to do. Instead, I go outside and do gardening, continue decorating the house, exercise with the dogs… but mostly, I procrastinate/learn on the internet. Reddit is a blessing and a curse. YouTube as well. I have seen so many documentaries, and absorbed so much data now. You would think I’d feel smarter, but I feel I know less than ever before. “Knowing” seems like ignorant over-confidence to me now.
Every argument, perspective and theory has a potentially valid opposite. Veganism is the most obvious example in my case. There is so much data suggesting that it is healthy, even healthier than diets with meat. Yet, it seems that data is flawed in it’s methodology. I believe the studies that suggest meat is unhealthy, are not controlling for enough dietary variables. People who are vegan most often eliminate other “unhealthy” foods from their diet. The people who eat meat are easy to find, so the other foods in their diet, and the quality of the meat consumed, are not controlled for. I now eat only fresh cuts of meat, mostly rare grass-fed beef steak, and feel great. Retrospectively, I see that I felt “poisoned” by eating all my life. It’s not easy to explain, but it is easy to experience. When I ate anything, I always felt slightly sick. Everything I ate made me feel this way in varying degrees, so I assumed that it was just how eating felt. However, when I ate steak, I got no sick feelings. This was an amazing comparison. So after months of being on my own strict Paleo diet of only meat and fruit with the occasional veggie, I started testing out old foods. They make me feel sick, all of them. Even fruits and veggies make me feel ill to a degree. Feeling sick with eating is so deeply ingrained, that I’ve learned to avoid eating for as long as possible, because those fasting periods were when I felt most well. I ate because I didn’t want to be anorexic, not because I was hungry. I still struggle to convince myself to eat, because it’s hard to believe it won’t make me feel sick.
So here I am, it’s 1:34pm, and I am yet to eat steak. I should, but I haven’t. I have had a banana, avocado and cocoa smoothy. It’s the best thing ever, and I want to make a video… aaaaaaand we are back to the start of this message.
I hope you enjoy the new video coming in a few hours.